Friday, April 9, 2010

11 ways your Cat will punish you for traveling.

Let’s all assume:

A Dog is your Slave, a Cat is your Master

And when you, human little mortal being, decide to travel alone without the company of your beloved feline friend… Master becomes upset.

And angry.

And when Master is angry, he’ll show it and punish you for leaving him behind. Oh and do not worry…. Master has many tricks in his bag:


1- Peeing in your suitcase: So you’re all excited about your travel and you are packing up, you didn’t notice Master sneaking in that open suitcase lying open in your bed. Heavens! What a perfect spot to nap! It’s so comfy with all those nice smelling pile of clean clothes. Makes Master so happy he just want to pee everywhere and make it stink for the next decade. How thoughtful! A souvenir-perfume of your cat every time you want to change your clothes! Your fellow traveler friends will love you!

2-Throwing up everywhere: Have you ever faked you were sick when you were a kid to get attention? Or avoid going to school? Cat’s do that too.. Suddenly, that healthy looking Master is suffering from an unknown tropical disease and starts throwing up everywhere. I mean, not everywhere, only expensive everywheres, like on that 700 year old Iranian carpet that your great-great-great-great Grandmother bought in Persia.

But you were clever, you didn’t fall in his traps. You tried to clean up everything and finally left the house.. alone.

Now Master is really pissed, that’s when the fun begins..

3- Ruining your plants: Now how on Earth did that cat get a fake tropical disease? Probably because Master was on a scientific expedition, Experiments consist in chewing all the different plants in your house, analyzing the leaves by shredding them to pieces and fertilizing the soil by peeing and pooping in it. How nice of him!


4- Obliterating stuff: In order to keep exploring jungles and hidden corners, Master has to exercise and stay fit. Suddenly your little house becomes a Paris-Dakkar circuit. Master starts running everywhere, jumping on tables, knocking down chairs, glasses.. everything! And when he’s tired? He’ll just lean against something to recover.. Not a sturdy furniture or a wall of course, but against that expensive porcelain vase on the table.

5- Hiding stuff: Have you ever hidden what you have broken when you were a kid? You sure did! Well cats do that too! Only difference is Master does not hide what he broke.. He hides other random important stuff, like your keys… In places impossible to imagine or reach of course.

6- Scratching everywhere: Hey, the pitiful mortal is not here to give the evil-bad look when Master starts scratching that expensive sofa. So why not experiment other places too? Table legs, curtains, sheets, tapestry.. The Shredder is loose and no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to stop him!


7- Spilling all the Water and Food: Somehow, when you go on holiday, Master seems to fall back into childhood and is unable to eat or drink without making a mess in the whole kitchen.. I meant apartment. Yes that includes cat food under your pillow in your already locked room.. Don’t ask, Cats can do incredible stuff.

8- Losing hair: Being alone stresses Master. And when he is stressed, he loses hair.. a LOT. So Master needs to rest and sleep to forget his loneliness. And your betrayal. Best spots to sleep on are, of course, anything black, especially black expensive clothing. And he’d sleep on it so long that his hair becomes one with the fabric.

9- Torturing the person catsitting: Of course you are not a heartless person, you have assigned a friend to come and check on Master, feed him, entertain him. But Master does not like that other person. Scratching, hissing, biting, leaving a mess.. Everything is acceptable to make that friend’s life a living hell.


10- Alerting the whole neighborhood: You thought Master had a cute little “meow” to express himself? Well wait till you leave. Suddenly Master will start reaching impossible decibels and alerting the whole neighborhood that you are an animal abuser. It’s of course preferable to start meowing late at night and early morning.

11- Ignoring you: So you are happy, you come back home fresh and all tanned. You kind of miss your little kitty. You reach home, wondering why your friend keeps insulting you on the phone and why the whole neighborhood suddenly hates you. And while you’re at the doorstep, staring in disbelief the mess in the apartment, Master will unleash upon you his last punishment: Ignore you for the next few weeks!

“In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him”